Parenting adolescent children especially adolescents who have serious medical issues

Excerpt from presentation to Parent's Group at Hole in the Wall Gang Camp Nov.2007

Parenting adolescent children especially adolescents who have serious medical issues

All of the efforts of teachers, parents and friends are directed towards helping adolescents build self-esteem. What is self-esteem?

While it is impossible to describe exactly what makes any person feel a strong sense of self. Three notions come to mind: confidence, competence and connectedness. If adolescents feel that they are competent in some of the areas of their life, then that leads to a confidence in who they are which, is then reinforced by the community and the connectedness which they feel towards other people.

Here are some tips for parenting adolescents.

Ten Cardinal Rules of Parenting Adolescents

1. Keep yourself healthy, mentally and physically. If you do not stay mentally and physically healthy, you are going to be of no good to your adolescents. Remember, you are modeling behavior.

2. Make sure that the illness is integrated into your family's life, not vice versa. When illness strikes, make sure that you keep the tempo of your life and your family's life going as strongly and surely as possible. Do not let the illness stop you from living your life and your child from living his/hers . People in your support group can drive and they can cook. That is the best way to support you.

3. Give your children unconditional love. Children who have the "good housekeeping seal of approval" from their parents are able to thrive and feel strong no matter what they do.

4. Keep your children in their stretch zone. If you think of life as having safe zones, stretch zones, and danger zones, always make sure that your adolescent is never in the danger zone and never happy with being in the safe zone. The stretch zone is a place where everyone experiments and works to make himself or herself better, sometimes experiments work and sometimes they do not. Life is about learning from those experiments.

5. Make them own it. Whatever it is they are doing is theirs not yours. The minute you feel something is more important to you that it is your adolescent, you own it and they will not feel as strong a sense of participation and ownership. Let them flex their wings and try various different options even if you do not think they make a lot of sense.

6. Take a risk. That is what your kids are doing everyday of their lives. Do not be afraid of letting them fail. One gains strength and confidence once they realize that if you fail all you have to do is get back up again. Note to the file:Try not to repeat the same mistake again!

7. Invest in your adolescent but let them run the company. Make it clear to them through your love and through your support that they are in charge of their life and you are supporting them in every way you can.

8. Incentives work. If you clearly identify what constitutes success or what the goal is adolescents will very likely achieve that goal. If you set no goals, they will probably not achieve them.

9. Be the perfect parent as soon as you can.The perfect parent is some combination of Mother

Teresa and an Army sergeant. How many of those people have you found? There are no perfect parents you are just doing their best they can in every situation. Note to file: Give yourself a break.

10. Manage everyone's expectations. Realistically assess what the capabilities of your adolescents are and what goals they should be setting. Manage their expectations of themselves and others as well. And, don’t forget to manage your expectations as well! The dialogue around expectations creates lifelong learning about dealing with the realities of life.