Parenting Adult Children-Help write the book!!!

Act II
The Second 10 Commandments.
How to ensure that your adult children thrive-

Situation:
Your kids are entering a phase where they must shift the center of gravity from I to us. They have to become part of society. They must establish their own base by creating their own life structure yet begin to strike out and make their mark. To do this they must be able to try out a few identities, some fits and starts. What they need from parents is support. “We believe in you” is the only parental response that will allow them to move to the next phase where they will consolidate their learnings and experience into a group of commitments (wife, family, job, relationships) in which they will invest for the next 20 years. There are settling down, establishing a niche, making a mark, build a legacy through their family.
You have a new job. You are no longer responsible for you kid’s decisions; they don’t want you advice and you need to figure out the next stage of parenting adult children. You are fired.
Simultaneously, you are playing out the hand you dealt for yourself 20+years ago. “I could have been somebody” is either true or an elusive goal. You are who you are and you know it. It is time to consolidate gains and plan for life as an older adult, whether it is retirement in the place of your dreams or being a greeter at Wal-Mart because of poor financial planning. Wherever you find yourself, it is time to delight in the successes of your children in whatever way they define success!!

What follows is a series of fill in the blanks which will allow everyone who has tried to parent adult children, a chance to share your thoughts, wisdom, insights and your mistakes. While there are no “take-backs” in this world, this Older Parents Anonymous Blog, Site/Book will surely help all of us have a wonderful, loving, appropriate relationship with our adult children.





Part I

The Second Ten Commandments
Guiding Principles of Parenting Adult Children

I. Smile and wear beige-You are now part of the support team!
II. No Advice, thank you-Love and support is all they want unless they ask. If they call to tell you about something that has happened, resist the temptation to immediately beginning telling them how the same thing happened to you, or by giving your unrequested pearls of wisdom… because you know it all.
III. I am investing in your company-If you don’t like their company, fake it! Joint venture, to the extent that it doesn’t ruin your financial situation, with them by providing the missing final dollar(s) to fulfill the plan (buy their first house, make graduate school possible in some way, sell ‘em your car at a drastically reduced rate, etc.)
IV. The good housekeeping seal of approval-Don't have grandchildren without giving it. Make sure your kids know they have what it takes and that they know you will be there if the bottom falls out.
V. Think about the future-A society grows great when its elders plant trees whose shade, they know, they shall never sit in.
VI. It’s someone else’s job-Put your grandchildren's swing outside the mother's kitchen window.
VII. All of the skills which you developed raising your children are now almost irrelevant-No more rules, no more permission from you, forget the second-guessing, time to be proud of them for anything which shows they continue to try to develop themselves personally, professionally, familialy, spiritually.

Please fill in the last 3 Commandments. Who knows, if you write them down, you may be more predisposed to practicing them!!!
VIII.
IX.
X.









Part 2
Stages of Adult Parenting
What happens when they leave home for new horizons and what wake up calls to look out for

Stages-Here are a few. Add you own stages and your own “wake up” calls.

I. College or first job living outside home

Wake up call: What do you mean you want to go to college 2000 miles away, what’s wrong with the University of our state?
2nd wake up call: What do you mean you are living with a (someone from a different color, religion, ethnic minority, same sex partner)?
What do you mean you are going to take a year off?

II. Graduation

Wake up call: What do you mean you are going to become a carpenter? What about your astro-physics major? You could have a great career in a Fortune 500 corporation.

III. Marriage


Wake up call: What do you mean you wan to have a small wedding with some of the family and a few of your friends? Why not have a big celebration with their family and ours?
IV. Adventures before kids

Wake up call: What do you mean you are going to Africa in the Peace Corps?


V. Career Choice
What do you mean you’ve decided to become a financial advisor?


VI. Kids

Wake up call: What do you mean you aren’t supposed to let a baby cry?

VII.




Part III
Resolutions to Guide you after you get to 50


Don’t say I’ve been there before, been there done that. Let me tell you how to handle that, etc.
Treat people as unique. Don’t judge them too quickly.
Do what makes sense common sense. Trust your gut.
Where do you want to be in 5 years? Better decide or you will never get there.
Honor your children with the spirit in which you raised them.
Make sure you get into challenging situations lest you get overgrown with complacency.
Race car drivers tell you will drive in the direction you are looking. So, if you continue to focus on getting old, you will get there quickly.
There is only one thing better than perseverance and that is luck.
Thucydides defined a superior general as one who uses luck to his advantage. There is so much opportunity in situations which people describe as hopeless.
Keep your values and integrity as #1; otherwise they will quickly be compromised.
Give back some of what you got, because lots of people gave you what they had to make you who you are.
If you are going to paddle upstream, do so with purpose not anger.
You have to close some of the doors of your past in order to open up the doors of your future.
Remember, it is not how many times you get knocked down that counts, it is how many times you get up.

Add a few of your own
15.

Try these additions
Centeredness. That this age offers us the opportunity - rather than to be pushing and chasing-to be intentional and centered. Be more with the stream than striking out for shores or swimming upstream.
Risk: Risk is good. It fires the synapses. We are not too old to try. We always too young not to try. Our targets and time and techniques may be different but the adventure remains.
Habits: It is the time to have the time, spend the time to build in good habits. Eating. Sleeping. Exercise. Thank you notes.
Laughter: Find the ways to laugh and friends and family to laugh with. It is the substance of sanity.









50 Thoughts to help guide us through life

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.>> >> 2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.>> >> 3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.>> >> 4. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else >> does. >> >> 5. Pay off your credit cards every month.>> >> 6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to >> disagree.>> >> 7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying>> alone.>> >> 8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it. >> >> 9. Save for retirement starting with your first >> paycheck.>> >> 10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is >> futile.>> >> 11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up>> the present. >> >> 12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.>> >> 13. Don't compare your life to others'. You have no >> idea what their journey >> is all about.>> >> 14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you >> shouldn't be in it. >> >> 15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. >> But don't worry; God never >> blinks.>> >> 16. Life is too short for long pity parties. Get >> busy living, or get busy >> dying.>> >> 17. You can get through anything if you stay put in >> today. >> >> 18. A writer writes. If you want to be a writer, >> write.>> >> 19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. >> But the second one is up >> to you and no one else.>> >> 20. When it comes to going after what you love in >> life, don't take no for an >> answer. >> >> 21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the >> fancy lingerie. Don't >> save it for a special occasion. Today is special.>> >> 22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.>> >> 23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear>> purple. >> >> 24. The most important sex organ is the brain.>> >> 25. No one is in charge of your happiness except >> you.>> >> 26. Frame every so-called disaster with these>> words: "In five years, will >> this matter?" >> >> 27. Always choose life.>> >> 28. Forgive everyone everything.>> >> 29. What other people think of you is none of your >> business.>> >> 30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time. >> >> 31. However good or bad a situation is, it will >> change.>> >> 32. Your job won't take care of you when you are>> sick. Your friends will. >> Stay in touch.>> >> 33. Believe in miracles.>> >> 34. God loves you because of who God is, not because>> of anything you did or >> didn't do. >> >> 35. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you >> stronger.>> >> 36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying >> young.>> >> 37. Your children get only one childhood. Make it >> memorable.>> >> 38. Read the Psalms. They cover every human emotion.>> >> >> 39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting >> everywhere.>> >> 40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw >> everyone else's, we'd >> grab ours back.>> >> 41. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of >> it now. >> >> 42. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful>> or joyful.>> >> 43. All that truly matters in the end is that you >> loved.>> >> 44. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all >> you need.>> >> 45. The best is yet to come. >> >> 46. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and>> show up.>> >> 47. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.>> >> 48. If you don't ask, you don't get.>> >> 49. Yield.>> >> 50. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a >> gift. >>
· Above All-Dream . . . and Do . . .
· "Life is not measured by the breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away."